We are very much a hypocritical breed of folk. You can find a couple guys from Michigan complaining about how cold it is, how the Lions are terrible, or how things are economically depressed, at many local bars. But if you’re not from Michigan and you agree, we’re driving to your house, punching your dog, and breaking your grandmother’s favorite vase. Sorry, those are the rules.

I currently reside in Fresno, CA. I don’t fit in here. I never have. The lack of sarcasm and a militant style of debate makes my blood boil. There are more churches than 24 hour diners. Not that I don’t like churches, but it would be nice to have coney dog at 4am before I went to ask for forgiveness later that morning.

In 1989, Michael Moore directed and starred in his first documentary called Roger and Me. With sarcasm and irony, Moore portrays the regional negative economic impact of General Motors CEO Roger Smith’s summary action of closing several auto plants in Flint, Michigan, costing 30,000 people their jobs at the time (80,000 to date) and economically devastating the city.

As an eleven year old kid, I really couldn’t comprehend the story or the meaning behind the film. I couldn’t understand why this guy was so upset and gung ho about talking to a man named Roger. Obviously, as I’ve gotten older, I understood the story line, the venom, and issues. Like him or not, I’ve always enjoyed Moore’s style.

Something happened yesterday that both made me angry and excited at the same time. Republican billionaire gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman was In the Imperial County town of El Centro, she said, unemployment is 35%. Then Whitman asked a newspaper’s editorial board whether they had been to the Central Valley lately, adding, “Fresno looks like Detroit. It’s awful.”

To quote a famous pro wrestling announcer Jim Ross, the first thing that went through my mind was “BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP!”. Nothing angers Fresnans more than being compared to something negative. I could hear them in my head. “She said what? Detroit? Doesn’t she know how many churches we have?” I laughed to myself and then calmed myself down. I was sure Meg would get a pass in this conservative pocket of the People’s Republic of California.

Boy was I wrong. My phone starting ringing off the hook. Friends and business associates starting complaining to me as if I was Detroit’s ambassador to Fresno. “Jim, what the hell? Did she really say that? We gotta do something!” It was great! I hadn’t felt this sort of outrage since Armando Galarraga was robbed of his perfect game this past spring.

Now, obviously when someone uses my hometown as a punch line, as I previously stated, “it’s go time”. But this was different. What Meg has done has given the people of Fresno an opportunity to rise up and follow her “Moore” style. Asking the proper questions like “What’s the murder rate in Detroit compared to Fresno Meggers??!”,”Detroit lost an entire industry to mismanagement and greed, all Fresno needs is more water. Is that the same Captain Meg?” or my personal favorite “I’ll SEE YOU IN THE PARKING LOT!!”.

I am looking forward to the next few days of spin and backtracking. I’m sure Fresno will vote for her anyway. But a part of me is hoping that she sees one person in the crowd with the t-shirt that says “BEWARE! I know people in Detroit.”

 I usually return home to southeastern Michigan two to three times per year. I visit family, friends, and watch some sort of sporting event. The Red Wings in the autumn, Tigers in the spring, and if I’m really lucky, the Hazel Park Harness Racetrack with 101 WRIF comrades, Mike “Gags” Gagliano, Brett “The Golden Jew” Panter, and Gerry “Serpico” Gerrardi. Screaming at pre glue factory horses to run faster as a has-been jockey whipped them on 7 dollar “prime rib” night isn’t for everyone. But hey, it’s America.

 In between stuffing my face with Coney Island hot dogs which are banned by the state of California (Not true, but for a second you believed me) and drinking local beers not found on the west coast, I enjoy spending time with the people I love. My family.

 This trip was different. My grandmother, known to me and others as “Yiayia” has been battling cancer off and on over the past few years. Nobody has fought this evil disease with more grace and class than my Yiayia.

 So when my father requested that I come home earlier this year than I had originally planned, I prepared myself to ask the final questions of a life that I still continue to cherish. I knew there wouldn’t be a “next time” or “we’ll talk about his later”. I mentally lined up everything I felt I needed to ask and know. As usual, my Yiayia had other plans.

 Regina Verros had a plan like most Verros’ do. As we talked everyday for two weeks, she asked the questions, not me. She verbally took my pulse by asking me “What do you think about Greece and their financial situation? What do you think about Kwame Kilpatrick (Former mayor of Detroit who is now incarcerated)? Hows your job? What are your plans for the next 10-15 years? Apparently, she was going to do most of the talking.

 I found out something within those two weeks. My Yiayia was giving me her last lesson. The lesson was “know who you are and what you represent”. With a certain elegance she informed me what to watch for as I get older, how to deal with in-laws and children, what to do when you hit your senior years, and most importantly, don’t let anyone, anything, or any past actions define who you are. Always be in control of your decisions and be aware how they will affect others.

 My questions of “Would Papou (my grandfather) approve of this or that?” “Why don’t my in-laws think I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread?” or “How do I get my uninterested in Greek cuisine Anglo-Saxon wife to learn how to make spanikopita like you?” seemed to go by the waste side.

 The final lesson was complete when I left. Instead of final goodbyes and sadness, as I was preparing for, it was met with something completely different. A final question “Did you make it to the racetrack with your friends? I hope so; your Grandfather liked it very much”.  

Even in one of my saddest times in my life, she still made sure to assure me that there’s a balance between taking yourself serious without taking yourself serious.

Lesson learned Yiayia. I will miss you.

Think back. Think waaaaaaaaay back. Think back to December 2008.  Automobile companies and financial institutions had been given a new lease on life, “Swine Flu” was coming, and most importantly, the massive preparations of the following month’s inauguration were being implemented.  The world was buzzing with the forthcoming American changing of the guard. Change was arriving and we as a nation were told the racial barrier had fallen.

But had it? The talking heads spoke of “political capital”.  They said the President could do almost everything that the “Change Mandate” allowed. Health care? No problem! Closing Gitmo? Easy! Building a new Green economy? Already in the works! President Obama had almost 67 million voters behind him and that was good enough to move mountains.

Here’s the problem. 58 million people didn’t want any part of this so called mandate.  They had a list of reasons why they didn’t want Barack Obama.  We all know them. Many were valid. Some were not. We all heard the jokes and some statements that were phrased in a joke form.  It’s the “feeding the dog a pill surrounded by peanut butter”.  The Tea Party showed up driving their Toyota’s and wearing their Chinese made tea bags screaming about how they wanted their county back. Never mind they don’t know the difference between  Communism and Socialism or that if the US had actually turned “red” overnight they wouldn’t be allowed to voice their opinion in public. Take a look at what the Iranian Green party is going through and then come back to me with your book report on how your life sucks.

Well, not to let the facts get in the way of a lopsided opinion, how was the extreme right wing going to take down the newly elected President’s political capital? I introduce the new Ivory Visa.

It seems like anytime the soldiers of Fox News start beating their drum of hate, they always answered the threat of racism with “it’s because I love my country!”  Now, replace that phrase with “put it on my Ivory Visa!”  Here’s how it works.

“Sir, what do you mean you think the President wasn’t born in the United States and was actually born in Africa? Are you being racist?” Answer. “Put it on my Ivory Visa.”

Let’s try it again.

“I don’t want to go on a lynching party against Michelle Obama unless there’s evidence, hard facts, that say this is how the woman really feels. If that’s how she really feels — that America is a bad country or a flawed nation, whatever — then that’s legit.”  - Bill O’Reilly

“Mr. O’Reilly, are you a racist?” Answer. “Nope, put it on my Ivory Visa.”

Nice huh? But, like any credit card, a payment is due. I saw payments being made over the holidays. When the aircraft carrying the “Christmas Bomber”, I heard the payments being called in 24-7! “See! I told you he was soft on terrorism!” See what happens when you elect…..!”

Or just this week, when Senator Harry Reid had to answer for racial statements made during the campaign, I heard more payments being made. “See! They’re racist just like…wait”

14 months ago I had forced my sarcastic, pessimistic side to take a seat. It appears that even though newspapers around the world had proclaimed “IT’S OVER” when it regarded racism in American politics, the game has just begun. And just like any televised sporting event in the United States, it needs a sponsor.

Visa Maybe?

 I watch many news programs. Many of which my friends and family feel I’m about 30 years too young to fully appreciate. (I will meet Charlie Rose one day!). On a day to day basis, cable news is watched by millions of viewers. All of them claim to be the correct, most watched, and most ethical. They all discuss what they feel is the “news” of the hour. Ranging from some random woman being kidnapped in Kansas, to the President secretly scheming with Karl Marx loyalist to change the national language to Swahili, to Glen Beck convincing the world it needs to sell all of their gold to purchase chili bean futures. It always cracks me up. It reminds me of my father walking into our family room when I was about 10 years old as I watched professional wrestling, with his serious tone of voice saying “You know it’s staged and fake right?” 

 I find myself saying the same thing when I walk into the lion’s den of Fox News at my in-laws. I also repeat when I’m walking through a local “art district” that complains of fascist news talk radio. With the tone Christos Verros passed down to me I repeat…

 “It’s all staged!”

 It’s business. Not news. If you think of it as pro wrestling, it’s much easier to swallow and much more enjoyable.  Think of Roger Ailes as Vince McMahon. He has to create a good show to bring in ratings that in turn, will bring in advertising dollars, which will allow companies to present their products to the viewers that are tuning in for a good slobber knocker.

  Bill O’Reilly is Hulk Hogan in this story. O’Reilly’s character on Fox News is a “traditionalist”. Hogan’s Character in the 1980’s was also the red, white, and blue standard bearer. “Work hard, say your prayers, and eat your vitamins” the “Hulkster” reminded all of us “Hulkamaniacs”. O’Reilly added “say Merry Christmas” somewhere down the line. Every main event interview has a battle between good and evil with the Fox News world champion always finding a way to defeat the villainous ways of the anti American left wing establishment.

 Sean Hannity is no doubt “Mr. Perfect” Curt Henning. If Mr. Hannity walked onto his television set tossing a white towel behind his back and smacking chewing gum out of the air after he spat the gum into the sky, it would not surprise me at all. He truly is the “perfect conservative”.  Reminding us that if you believe as he does, you are truly a perfect American.

 Glen Beck is the new guy on the block. Signed away from a rival wrestling organization, correction, “news network”, Beck has all the vigor and tenacity of a Stone Cold Steve Austin. He’s not your traditional character. He’s a libertarian which to most Fox News viewers sends their brain stems into a quick quiver when any word starts with “lib”. Beck has an unconventional style compared to his fellow superstars, he has weaknesses. A recovering alcoholic Mormon that wants us to build bomb shelters and has a doomsday complex? Awesome! If “Beck 3:16” t-shirts start showing up at Tea Bag rallies I want a percentage of the gross revenue generated.

 I could continue. Believe me. MSNBC is as close to Ted Turner’s World Championship Wrestling of the early 1990’s as it gets. If Keith Olbermann isn’t the “Nature Boy” Ric Flair, I’ll start eating fried bologna sandwiches tomorrow!

 It’s well written. It’s entertaining. It’s the 21^st century’s version of the news. We really shouldn’t be surprised. We all thought Andy Rooney was funny at the end of 60 minutes with his commentary. But in 1978, nobody thought “Lets give Rooney 28 minutes and Cronkite can wrap it up with something intelligent or witty.”

 Times have changed and I guess styles in media do also. I have no alternative to current structure of the cable news product. All I’m saying is don’t be surprised in the near future if in the middle of a broadcast, Lou Dobbs takes over a report wearing a mask and carrying a steel chair.

And there it is. That word. “Average”. Dictionary.com defines the word “average” as:   ”Noun- a typical amount, rate, degree, etc.; norm”. Many words in the english language annoy me, this particular one annoys me more than the 700 club or fat free ice cream.

When did it become acceptable for average to be an edict for a generation? So many times I hear “Well, that’s just how it works around here.” or “That’s the way he/she is.” It makes me ill that the american human spirit of the 1950′s and 60′s have been replaced with snuggies being sold on the home shopping network.

Each individual in the United States is asked the same question when they are a child. “What do you want to be when you grow up?”. A lawyer, doctor, astronaut, and athlete are usually blurted out. Nobody ever states “I want to be a shipping clerk at the local hardware store.” Somewhere along the line, our drive for excellence makes a pit stop at the Flying J truck travel plaza.

This blog will have a theme. Me. That’s all. I will rant and rave about how narrow minded people upset me, while at the same time, be narrow minded myself. I make no promises in regards to politeness or expressing my concern of the lack grace and class.

I am above average. Some people will think that’s an elitist statement. I guess that makes me an elitist.  And if you’re not that’s ok. I’ll take a box 3/8 inch nails from behind the counter please.